The story about the chip

[pooklio]

So, guys I gotta tell you this story that happened to me a few months
ago… I got up one morning with bad breath so the first thing I did was
brush my teeth. I usually don't bruth my teeth until after I had coffee
but my breath was so bad I couldn't even breathe. So as I was brushing
my teeth, I noticed that a chip somehow broke off of the toilet seat.
I've never seen it before, and I last used it last night, so it must've
happened overnight. How does something like that happen? I didn't have
to go, so I didn't care at the time. So, after brushing my teeth I went
to the coffee pot, took out the old filter, put a new one in, put the
coffee grinds in, put the water in, and then I turned it on.

I
went out to get the paper. The front page headline was about some family
killing that occurred yesterday. How could someone kill an entire
family, including the pets? What a sicko. By the time I was in the
business section my coffee was done so I poured myself a cup. By the
time I was finished with my second cup I realized I had to leave now to
go to work. It's not like work would fire me on the spot if I were late,
but I still like to come 5 minutes before 9 just because that's the way
I am. On my way to work I hit this huge pothole. I hope that didn't do
anything to my tires or suspension or anything. If I hear the slightest
clink in my car the first thing I'm doing is taking it to the shop. I'm
anal that way.

When I came into the office, I saw that the office
receptionist was different. Apparently the receptionist was sick so we
had this substitute. I wonder where we got this substitute? Where do
they come from? I sat at my desk and checked my email. One was a memo to
everyone reminding them to throw out their old food from the
refrigerator. I think they send that memo like 3 times a month…”

so
Bob from accounting comes into my office and asks, 'Where are those
timesheets? I need to use them for receivables. You're a contractor, you
know.' I assured him I'll bring it to him as soon as possible. Just
after Bob leaves, Cindy comes in. “Hey, dude, you've got to see this
video on YouTube' she said. I'm like, 'Cindy, I've got a lot of work to
do, we're not paid to watch videos on YouTube and share them with our
colleagues.” She looked at me like I had a rod shoved up my butt but the
fact is if I did get up and watch it, I'd end up making that into a
habit. I'm prone to habit, so whenever anyone gives me any sort of
temptation, even if it's a minor 2 minute distraction, I lose focus for
the rest of the day, especially if it's early in the day.

I
finished checking my email. I like to keep all my emails regardless of
how trivial they are. I didn't even delete the refrigerator memo. Even
if I know I'm probably never going to read that email again, and it will
just take up space in my hard drive, I still just feel like keeping
this kind of stuff. Sure, I might archive really old emails, but even
then, I keep the archives somewhere. I opened Excel and continued with
my task I couldn't complete yesterday. I can't discuss the contents of
the file because of my non-disclosure, but it basically just provides
some statistics on our marketing campaigns. You know, like broad
demographics; which regions a campaign really seem to respond to a
particular ad and so forth. Our products are sold throughout the US, and
we track about 60 regions or “markets” as they call them. Obviously
some markets, like in the urban north east, will have vastly different
statistics than the more rural rocky mountain areas, and people's
behaviors depend on the region, too. For example, in a more rural
region, you'll find that people are more willing to travel longer
distances to shop than people in urban regions. This is most likely due
to the less traffic encountered in the rural areas, plus, of course, you
really don't have much choice anyway. If you're in the middle of
nowhere, you have to go several miles to the nearest town to get
anything.

We don't really track stuff like gender, race, age, or
those other things that make people who they are. We are even more broad
than that. It's simply which parts of the country are more responsive
to our campaigns than others.

You'd be surprised at how much some
campaigns differ from others depending on the region. Since we sell
beach and pool supplies, our campaigns obviously are different in the
southern regions than in the northern regions. And even then, you have
to account for stuff like how far away your audience is from the ocean,
whether there's a large lake nearby, and stuff like that. So, we'll
often focus on pool stuff for the midwest regions, while we'll focus on
both beach and pool stuff near the Atlantic and Pacific oceans. Plus, in
the north, we don't run any ads in the winter, except maybe special
stuff around the holidays.

So, anyway, I digress. I finished my
task, which took a good 3 hours or so. I busted the deadline a little,
but I didn't care. At that point I was hungry, and it was just about
time for lunch. I did the old peak above the cubicle thing to see if
there's anyone gathered around with the same thing in mind. Nobody was
there, so I went to my neighboring cubicle where Josh was. “Hey, Josh,
when are you thinking about getting lunch?” I asked him. He seemed to
ignore me for a few seconds before turning around. “Give me like five
minutes,” he finally answered. I said, “Alright, just see me when you're
ready.” I return to my cubicle, and I just realized something.

I
forgot about those timesheets Bob asked for in the morning. I know he
was already expecting them from this time yesterday, and he's real picky
about things like this. I gulped as I hurried through my computer
looking for the word template. Yes, I know we should use excel to make
timesheets or, even better, use some kind of web portal that records
this stuff for HR. I had two weeks of work to report, and the last 5
days I had in my head. Erg, I just HATE it when I have to think back and
recall what exactly I did those last few days, which breaks I took,
etc… I know what you're all thinking, “You should just update it every
day,” but I keep forgetting at the end of the day since my heart's set
on going home.

While I was documenting all my time, Josh comes up
and says, “Alright, I'm ready. Where should we go?” I said, “Sorry,
right now you'll have to give ME 5 minutes.” he said, “What, did you
forget your timesheet again?” He wasn't really ridiculing me or was
condenscending. He said it in a friendly sort of way, even empathetic.
He's a full timer, so he doesn't have to do this crap, but he had worked
in other places where they expected you to keep track of time and hand
in timesheets regularly, so he understands my pain.

I finally
finished the timesheet, printed it out, and said, “Let's go.” On our way
out, I slipped the printed timesheet into Bob's inbox, and hoped Bob
wouldn't yell at me again for handing it in late. I would have handed it
in in-person to make sure he got it asap, but he wasn't in his office
and I was too hungry to hunt him down.

In the parking lot, Josh
said, “You got your keys in hand, walking with a purpose, but you
haven't told me where you wanted to go yet.” I answered, “Oh, right…
well, I'm in the mood for Chinese today. Want to go to Dynasty Kitchen?”
Josh said, “Alright, sounds good to me.”

On our way there, this
idiot cuts me off. I gave him a little honk. Josh seemed more agitated
about it than me. “Honestly, it's a wonder everyone in this state hasn't
been killed by some car accident or another,” Josh said angrily. I
said, “I just don't let it bother me. He needed a honk to let him know
he's an idiot, but I didn't get hit, so what's the point in raising your
blood pressure over it?” Josh didn't answer.

We got to Dynasty
Kitchen, about a mile away from the office. We sit down at a window
seat, and Josh says, “So, have you got anything lined up after this
contract expires?” Josh and I have known eachother since before the
contract; in fact he helped me get a foot in the door to get the job.
“Well, I haven't really been looking quite yet. I've still got over a
month, although I guess I should look forward to the next gig,
especially in this economy.” Josh nodded. “There's a possibility,
actually, that our company has another contract job lined up, and it
might be in your best interest to take it. Afterall, I bet they'd
consider it a plus that you're now more familiar with their business
than someone more green. Besides the timesheet issues, you're a good fit
in this company.”

“Well, I do like this place.” Considering the
size of the company, it's still got sort of a small business feel to it.
It's got its share of Office Space-like stuff. There's a director,
Paul, who looks and acts just like Bill Lumbergh but fortunately he's in
another department so I don't have to deal with him as much. I just see
him and think, “Oh, man, he's just like that guy in Office Space.”
There's another woman who looks like that big receptionist. We don't
really have a Milton, though. “Same kind of stuff?” I asked.

“Yeah, pretty much… just in a different department. You'd be working for Paul.” well, so much for not having him as my boss.

The
food came and we started munching down. What's funny about Chinese
restaurants is you can never tell the good ones from the bad ones just
by looking at them. Sometimes you'll come across one that's very well
decorated, has a lot of authentic-looking ornaments and expensive
looking food, but it turns out to be as crappy as food court food, and
then there's one like this one that's a hole in the wall, is poorly lit,
has a strange odor, yet the food is amazing. I guess the same can be
said about pizza places, though.

We split the bill, and then
started back to the office. I wasn't looking forward to returning to my
cubicle to get the next big task done, but, hey, it's my job.

When
we returned, I thought in my head about getting my timesheet updated
again, since I had gone to lunch, but I was like, “Nah…” Will I ever
learn? lol

The next task was to take the Excel sheet I just
composed and transform it into map data. We use ArcIMS to do it, which
is a real pain in the arse. The developers of this piece of software
could really use some bitch slapping. I mean, it was painful enough to
install it. Then I had to figure out which piece of the suite went with
what function. It's easy with other suites like Micorosoft Office, where
you have Outlook, Word, Excel, Powerpoint, etc… those are all
well-defined pieces of functionality that are, for the most part,
independent of eachother. In ArcIMS, though, every single product in the
suite is intertwined with the other, and it's really hard to figure out
one from the other.

I took each region on the Excel sheet and
laid it out on the map. They're pretty particular about the shape of the
regions, and I have to make it just right. The north east is the most
difficult because of the density of the regions. Boston, Providence,
Hartford, New York, and Philadelphia are each regions and they are
pretty small. For the previous report I got in trouble because the
division between Providence and Boston was too far south, and for this
one I have to make sure the Providence region extends through
southeastern Massachusetts and eastern Connecticut. Hartford similarly
has to extend up into western Massachusetts, but it also has to make way
for Albany, which also shares part of western Mass. New York City goes
into western Connecticut, but Hartford is also in that area. It's all a
big mess and the client is very particular.

Next, I had to color
each region based on sales per capita. Obviously, 500,000 sales in New
York City does not equal 500,000 sales in Wyoming, so we adjust it based
on population. Again, I can't go into details about the actual data,
but I can tell you that some things are a bit counterintuitive. It took
me a good several hours to complete the map, and by that time it was
time to go home.

I drove back home, although first I had to get
some food supplies at the supermarket. I carefully parked in the lot,
walked in, and the first thing I see is… GIRL SCOUT COOKIES! Oh, how I
love them! I ordered a whole bunch of cookies. Thin mints are my
favorites, although the shortbread is good, too. I go through them
within a week, though. I wish they sold them year-round. Grasshoppers
are a lot like the thin mints, of course, but there's something about
the thin mints that is better. Maybe it's just because they're only
available between February and March.

I keep my shopping list in
my head. I knew I needed coffee and toilet paper. Although many will
disagree, I hold both with equal importance. If I find myself lacking
either at any time, I freak out. I also noticed I was almost out of
toothpaste, so I grabbed a new tube of that as well. And eggs. I needed
eggs. Milk was alright, though. I also got some dinner supplies. It's
not like I'm a master chef, and I often go for the frozen dinners, but
tonight I decided to cook myself some steak and potatoes.

In the
checkout line, I noticed the woman in front of me had some Basic 4
cereal. I don't know why, but I love Basic 4, and I got hungry for that
just looking at it, so I pulled myself out of line and got that. It took
me just 45 seconds and when I got back, I saw that all the lines got
longer all of a sudden. That's just my kind of luck. It's as if everyone
in the store decided to finish their shopping all at once!

When I
was next in line I noticed the clerk was at least quick with the
scanner. I can't stand the ones who kind of flutter around with it.
Maybe it's unfair for me to say that, since they might be new employees
or they might even be sick (although I'd hate it if I had all my food
touched my someone with the flu). The clerk smiled at me as she does all
customers, and asked for my card. These cards, by the way, are what
keep me employed. Most of our demographic data comes from cards, where
we can track who is buying what. It's for that reason I never have a
card for, say, CVS or Walgreens because I really would rather not share
information about what I buy there!

I finally got out of the
store, although I'm sure my ice cream is melted by now. When I got home,
I put the eggs and other stuff in the refrigerator, put the cereal in
the cupboard, and got out the toilet paper, and went into the bathroom
to put it in. It was at that time I noticed why my toilet had that chip
in the seat. Remember that? I now remember it was because the previous
night I had lifted it to pee and when I finished, I kind of put the seat
in such a position that it was going to eventually fall back onto the
seat. Indeed that is what must've happened; the seat fell down, and
cracked. Wouldn't you know it! 

So, that's the story of the broken toilet seat. I hope you enjoyed it.

[Author]

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